the worst crime is faking it

"It's the way that the world works. Okay, pretty much all the time girls run around and feel bad about themselves. They're either too weak or too stupid to go home alone. Sometimes guys just win the lottery. That's it. It doesn't mean anything."
-Dawson's Creek

I can pinpoint the exact moment when I realized this. It was 5 something in the morning after the first Thirsty Thursday of the semester and I was walking back to Whoran. I was texting my friend (still drunk) "had sex. need morning after pill. fuck. wake me up".

When it comes to sex its not like I have this idea in my head that if I fuck him he'll like me, cause chances are I don't even like him. But in the moment when your lips are touching and your breath speeds up, you want each other. I don't think its romantic, I don't even think it's lustful. It's alcohol.

How many guys would I have slept if I wasn't drunk?


Ya know what. I'm trying to write this right now and I'm sober. It's making me frustrated. I fucking hate writing sometimes. And not because of the subject matter but because I hate that my sentences don't flow right and that I lost the point I was trying to make.

Sex may not mean anything to me. I may have low self-esteem. I like to be intoxicated.
I don't regret it.

I grew up. I'm not in high school. I don't even feel like I'm in college. And I don't want to settle down. I like my one night stands. I like when they stay that way.

I just need to get out of this school. This campus is too small and just because I don't regret anything doesn't mean I don't feel uncomfortable when I pass three guys I've fucked on the way to Marketing.

boy made girl feel good, deep inside of you

Losing your virginity is a milestone in life. You will always remember which boy popped your cherry or you will always remember the first girl who was kind enough to let you stick your below average penis inside her. Ideally you would like your partner to be a virgin so that if you are a bad performer in bed they won't know what to expect based on previous encounters. But what happens when the playing fields are uneven? What if one team is the New York Yankees and the other is a 6-year old T-Ball team? I have found myself playing in that game. I was dressed in pinstripes.

I got to this point in my life where I was feigning for a v-card. It wasn't like I wanted to rock a virgins world or anything, I just wanted to be able to call someone up and be like "so I was looking through my wallet today and you know what I found? your v-card!" One night I found myself in a situation where I could finally be able to actually say those words in that order and have it be true! He was one of the guys we hung out with, soberly shy and sexually inexperienced. One night when he was over and drinking with us I had a drunken conversation with him about Entourage. Apparently that means we should be left alone on my bed to have sex. Ya know, I wonder if Marky Mark intended for the show to have this effect.

After taking this kids flower I felt pretty indifferent about the whole situation. I got what I wanted, but was that what he wanted? I guess it was. Well, on top of feeling like this I did something really really low. AC status.

Five days later while drinking in one of the dorms I thought, in my ossified state, it would be a good idea to hook up with him again. Maybe out of boredom. Probably out of convenience. I asked his roommate to see if he was awake. Negative. I was talking to my friends who collectively agreed that I should not attempt to walk back to my room. His roommate offered me his bed and thinking he's just my friend I took it, and I even told him he didn't have to sleep on the floor, because he was just my friend. Well, he turned into my friend who I slept with that night.

I slept with the virgins roommate 5 days after taking his virginity. In his room. While he was sleeping in the room.

I am such a cunt.

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Last night I was walking on 2nd Ave in a semi-tipsy state with my friends Natalie and Christina to get to the subway. We walked past a bodega where a couple of illegal immigrants stood and starred at us as we walked past, saying something to us as we passed that I can't translate because I don't care about the Spanish language. Natalie started to run ahead, freaking out. A few feet later we walked past a bar where a handsome man in his mid 20's stood, leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. He overheard Natalie say "creepy assholes" and he stood there and said in a drunken slur "hairy assholes" and he chuckled. He had an accent. A European accent. A British accent. Kryptonite.

We laughed at him and kept walking. When we got to cross the street I thought to myself "I should have just gone up to him and been like 'Nice accent, let's fuck'".

I can't believe this is really the girl I've let myself become.
I can't believe I (sometimes) enjoy being this girl.

Leave before the lights come on.

I remember when I entered high school my mother started to have "the talks" with me. She wouldn't bore me with the details of what had to happen for conception to take place. It was more like "I know that in this day and age it is impossible to wait till you're married and I don't expect you to but I would like you to wait until it's with someone you love. You see, after a woman has sex all of these hormones are released that makes the woman feel attached to the man and very emotional towards him. This is why women love to cuddle and have deep conversations after sex. Men do not feel this way. Men want to sleep. So make sure you pick the right man to have sex with that cares about you."

All of these talks with my mother didn't have the effect on me that she hoped for. Instead of thinking "That makes sense. I'll wait until I am dating someone and feel like I can really trust and love him", I reprogrammed my vagina, brain and heart to function separately. I told myself that I would not become attached to anyone I had sex with. That I wouldn't do the whole "spooning" thing. That I could fuck and leave like a guy. Guess what. I can.

I'm a freak and I'm nervous when it's easy

I'm 20 years old and attending college in New York.
I lost my virginity when I was 17.
In three short years I have had 19 sexual partners.

I have never been in love.